5 Single-Parenting Mistakes -- and How to Fix Them

Here are the five most common single-parent missteps and how to resolve them


Mistake No. 1: Trying to compensate for absent parent

The fix: Quit trying! "Single parents often feel guilty that there isn't another parent in the house," says Barry G. Ginsberg, Ph.D., director of The Center of Relationship Enhancement in Doylestown, Pa., and author of 50 Wonderful Ways to Be a Single-Parent Family (New Harbinger, 2003). "It's natural to feel guilty, but you don't have to compensate or take action because of the guilt."

When parents feel guilty, they try to compensate by overdoing it — showering children with toys and gadgets, meting out punishment less often or providing less structure. All of which is a disservice to the child — and to you. "When you feel guilty, you under-parent your kids by giving in to them more often than you should," says James H. Bray, Ph.D., a professor at Baylor College of Medicine and director of Baylor Family Counseling Clinic in Houston. "The vast majority [of children in single-parent households] do just as well academically and socially as children with two parents at home."

Mistake No. 2: Not having a life of your own

The fix: "It's very important that you get your adult needs met," Bray says. "If you don't, you'll be a less effective parent." You need to make time for hobbies, dating, friends and exercise. Otherwise, you may feel frustrated and resentful — emotions that can sap your energy, mentally and physically. To find that elusive time, Bray suggests that you:

> Ask family members, friends and neighbors to spend time with your child

> Form a "babysitting share" with three to four other families. On a Friday night, for example, one family can host all the kids at their home for pizza and movies, while the next Friday, it's another parent's turn, etc. The upshot: You get three to four free nights a month!

> Find a mentoring program. The Big Brothers Big Sisters program is one option, though in many big cities there are long waiting lists for mentors. (Go to www.bbbs.org to find an agency in your area.) So also check out churches or synagogues, many of which offer mentoring programs as well as sports, crafts and other activities for children.

Mistake No. 3: Overscheduling your kids

The fix: Resist the urge. Time management is a lot harder when there's just one of you. Planning soccer, piano, playdates and birthday parties so that they mesh with your work and family schedule is daunting.

"Overscheduling puts pressure on everybody," Bray says. When your child is around age 6 or 7, talk to him about prioritizing. This means explaining to your child the reality of resources (namely money and time) and that, as a family, you have to make choices. For example, tell your child that she can do karate or basketball, and ask her to choose. This will teach her about making responsible choices and give you some valuable family time together.

Mistake No. 4: Using your child as agent with other parent

The fix: Keep them out of your personal problems. Sharing custody can be prickly, especially if the breakup was contentious. Sometimes, Mom and Dad are at such odds that they use the child to make statements to one another. Big mistake. "Do not have your children act in coalition with you," Ginsberg advises. "They may have enough trouble [from the breakup] already, and it's not fair to burden them. Parents need to work out a plan.

" Although you and your co-parent may have different values (there's a reason you broke up, right?), you must find a way to work together for the sake of your child. If necessary, seek help from a third party such as a mediator or counselor. "Chances are you won't be as angry and hurt, and you'll be able to build a working relationship with the other parent," Ginsberg says. For instance, if getting homework done at Dad's house seems to be a mission impossible, get the school involved. Dad will likely be more open to the recommendations of your child's teacher or principal than he is to yours.

Mistake No. 5: Involving kids in too many adult relationships

The fix: Delay introductions. If you go through a series of romantic relationships and introduce your child to each partner, it's going to be difficult on the kid. "Wait until you know there's a possibility of a long-term relationship" before making the introduction, Bray cautions. "If you involve them in too many adult relationships, they will go through multiple losses.

" Also remember that you are your child's model for adult conduct. If you have one-night stands or go through a series of partners in a short time, and your child knows all of this is happening, you're essentially telling him it's acceptable. "Whatever you do in front of your children, gives them the message that this is proper behavior," Bray says.

Source: Revolution Health Group

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How to Take Care of Yourself as a Single Parent

If you have children, you're blessed; if you're a single parent, you’re blessed and busy. Raising children is a joy; being a single parent is challenging. Taking care of yourself, running a household, earning the money, paying the rent, cleaning the house, running the errands, washing the clothes, cooking the meals, squeezing in a social life, attending school functions, doing homework, remembering to get the oil change, paying the dentist bill is hard. Balancing the checkbook is impossible. It’s difficult and you’re doing it. You’re exhausted. You want to take care of yourself, but where do you begin?


Step1
Give Yourself a Mini Break. Put aside the “To Do” list for a day. Nothing terrible will happen if you say, “not today” to your list. If you’re a single parent, you’re exhausted and can benefit from a break, but figuring out how to take one isn’t as easy as it sounds. Perhaps you might start by eliminating one tiny item from your “To Do” List. Ask yourself, “Do I really have to clean the bathrooms tonight? Can I skip scrubbing the floor? Isn’t it okay to let the kids skip a bath tonight?” A mini break from the hectic routine is a good start in taking good care of yourself.

Step2
Ask for Help. This is often tough for women to do, but there are times when it’s healthy for us to allow others to pitch in and care for us. Our lives are so much about serving others, being busy, useful, caring and nurturing, that we forget to balance our own lives. When we are tired, sad, overwhelmed or sick it’s OK for us to allow others to help out. It’s OK to reach out and ask for what we need. I know it’s scary, but letting others help out, gives them a chance to give too.

Step3
Say “No.” You have the right to say “no” without feeling guilty. Single mothers are so accustomed to saying “yes” that we’re afraid of what others will think if we don’t do what they ask. It takes a lot of courage to stand up and set limits. Even though you might be afraid of disappointing others, if we don’t stand up for ourselves we end up feeling resentful and that is not healthy for ourselves or our children.

Step4
Replenish Yourself Too. Single moms give and give and give. We put our children first and this is natural, but it is not healthy to give until we feel drained, deprived and worn out. Overgiving is often laced with resentment and anger. It’s being a martyr and sends the unspoken message of: “after all I do for you.” This is not healthy for families. For us to give freely we need to fill ourselves up first. Then love is overflowing onto our children. Our energy comes from taking care of ourselves. Ask yourself: "What replenishes me so that I have energy?" "What small step can I take to refuel myself?"

Step5
Eliminate Should, Have to and Can't. When we talk to ourselves in the privacy of our own minds, we are often mean and negative. We carry around a harsh inner voice that discourages and scolds us. Such messages add to our sense of aloneness and stress. If we can erase the words should, have to and can't, we empower ourself by giving ourselves more choices. We don't have to, but we may choose to. We have the power to decide for ourselves.

Source : Judy Ford (eHow)

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Common struggles of single-parent households


There was time in the not too distant past when single-parent families were relatively few, but in recent decades, there has been a dramatic increase in this type of family arrangement due mainly to increasing family problems.

In a perfect world, children have a natural right to have two parents to care for and nurture them through to adulthood. But we don't live in a perfect world and through death or divorce, there is a marked increase in single parent families.

The reality is that most single parents are women and being a single mother, perhaps with multiple children, is a monumental task. A single parent has to juggle a host of responsibilities such as housework, finances, secular work, schooling and dealing with illness when it comes along. As a result, single parenthood can become a struggle.

FINANCIAL PROBLEMS

As the only breadwinner in the home, the single parent will no doubt struggle financially, perhaps having to sacrifice things other families take for granted. It may involve having to live a very frugal life, denying the children some of the luxuries their peers enjoy as standard.

LONELINESS

Even if the parent works secularly, this doesn't dispel the loneliness a single parent feels within the home. There may be children for company, but a single parent will still miss the companionship of a loving partner who can give support and assist with the children.

SOCIAL ISSUES

Behavioral problems with the children can become an issue as the children get older and the single parent has to deal with these alone. This can be overwhelming in the context of having to care for a multitude of other issues on a daily basis.

SCHOOLING

Taking care of the children's needs at school is another challenge for the single parent, having to be available for school visits, being home in time after school and dealing with any concerns arising for their children during school hours. When the children are absent from school due to illness, this can affect the single parent who is holding down a full-time job to support the household.

ILLNESS

When illness strikes in the single parent household, this can be a tremendous struggle. Even more so if it's the parent who is ill. A parent struggling with poor health will still feel the need to get on with household matters depending on the age of the children. When the children are sick, it may require the parent to take time off work to care for them, bringing further financial hardship.

Being a single parent throws up some mountainous problems, and those who cope successfully with them are to be highly commended.

Source: JC Campbell (Helium)

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The Challenges of Single Parenting

One of the greatest challenges for us as parents is to be loving role-models for our children, showing our children through our behavior how to take personal responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Our children need to learn from our role-modeling how to nurture themselves within and how to create a sense of safety in the world. In families where both a mother and father are present, both parents can participate in nurturing the child emotionally and taking care of the child in the world, and both parents can role-model what it looks like to do this for themselves.

Single parents have a far greater challenge - they have to be both mother and father to the child. Mothering energy is that energy that nurtures while fathering energy is that energy that protects in the world - that is, earning money, setting boundaries with others, speaking up for oneself. While our society often defines women as the nurturers and men as the protectors, both men and women are capable of both nurturing and protecting in the world.

In order for a single parent to successfully be both mother and father, he or she must have learned how to be both mother and father to the Child within. In other words, we have to have learned how to nurture our own Inner Child - how to take responsibility for our own fears, pain, anger, hurt, and disappointment, and how to take care of our Inner Child in the world - earn money, set boundaries, and so on. There is no way to successfully teach our children these skills until we are doing them ourselves, which means that each of us needs to be in a process of learning how to do this

We have developed a process that teaches us how to care for and nurture ourselves, while also loving others. This process, called Inner Bonding, teaches us how to become a loving Adult to our own Inner Child and to our actual children. Inner Bonding is a six-step psychospiritual process that can be learned and practiced daily, and that leads to the development of a spiritually-connected loving inner Adult.

Inner Bonding defines the Inner Child as our core self, who we are when we are born - our natural creativity, intuition, playfulness, imagination, talents, feelings, and ability to love. Our Child is our inner experience. Our Adult is everything we learn after we are born. It is our thoughts, beliefs, and ability to take action. We start learning how to be an Adult from the moment we are born through watching our parents and other caregivers. The Adult we learn to be is a child-adult, the part of us that learned many fears and false beliefs and learned addictive ways, such as using substances, TV, spending, anger, or compliance to avoid pain. A true loving Adult is that part of us that is spiritually connected to a Higher Source of truth and love and is able to bring that truth and love down into the Child and share it with others. The adult many of us operate from most of the time is really a wounded child masquerading as an adult. It is our unhealed wounded self that causes us problems with ourselves and our children. Inner Bonding is a process for healing the wounded self and developing a spiritually-connected loving Adult.

In Inner Bonding, there are only two possible intents at any given moment: the intent to learn about love and the intent to protect against and avoid pain. The intent to learn says that we want to learn about our own pain in order to understand what we need to do to be loving to our Inner Child and others; The intent to protect says that we want to avoid experiencing our pain at all cost. The child-adult is always in the intent to protect and the loving Adult is always in the intent to learn.

The six-steps of Inner Bonding are:

1. The willingness to become aware of our pain rather than protect against it with our various addictions.

2. The conscious decision to move into the intent to learn.

3. Dialoguing with our wounded self to discover the false beliefs and resulting behavior behind the pain. Releasing anger and pain in appropriate ways.

4. Dialoguing with our Higher Power to learn about truth and loving behavior.
5. Taking loving action in behalf or our Inner Child.

6. Evaluating the action.

All parents needs to be in a process of healing themselves. It is particularly important for single parents to be in this process since they are the primary role-models for their children. The more you heal the fears and false beliefs of your wounded self, the more loving you will naturally be with yourself and your children. Learning to utilize these six steps throughout the day, especially in times of anger, fear, anxiety and stress, will eventually heal the false beliefs leading to these difficult feelings.


Source : Margaret Paul Ph.D. (EzineArticles)

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